Anxiety or Panic
I think I had a mini anxiety attack or was it panic?
I don’t know the difference, however; what I do know is that I was fine one minute and then the next I was sitting up in bed dialing my sister. Because I needed her to talk me through whatever was happening to me. I rarely watch tv anymore, I listen to music so it was different for me to have the tv on as I’m about to go to bed. I started watching a movie and something on the show must have triggered something inside my mind. It was a couple talking about selling their home and about the memories they had there. Something clicked inside of me and BOOM it happened. I started to feel anxious my heart started to beat double time. Then I began to feel like I was going to faint. So I sat up and drank a glass of water then I just started praying. I was thrown off because I couldn’t figure out what caused me to suddenly feel like that. So I went into my kitchen and poured a glass of wine so that I could relax. I finally fell asleep but I didn’t have a restful night because I tossed and turned. The next morning as I woke up I was feeling the residue from the night before. I did my normal morning routine which is as soon as I open my eyes each morning I pray and talk to GOD followed by my praise and worship. After I did that I decided I needed to go have a massage. I explained to the therapist what happened to me and she gave me one of the best massages that I’ve ever had.
As I kept trying to figure out and pinpoint what happened I realized that listening to the couple talk about their life triggered in my brain that I no longer have that with my “Devan” I know that our mind is very powerful and sometimes it can operate in ways that we have no idea about. Our cell memories remind us of things and our bodies can play it out.
I have had some very deep emotional days this month. I know that its some sort of elevation I am experiencing. Sometimes I think I have it all in order when the truth of the matter is that I am truly grieving the loss of my husband. I have also finally admitted out loud that this is going to be a long road. Does that mean I will have a ton of bad days? No, it means that I will have good and not so good moments of each day. I am a grieving widow and it’s okay that I will forever miss my husband. Never will I apologize to anyone for my way of dealing with this new normal in my life. I am aware that anything can trigger my emotional instability at times. I will not make excuses for my feelings, I will not hide nor hinder what I am feeling. And you know why? It’s very simple…. Because I am grieving and I’ve only been in this new normal called life for 1 year. So imagine how much a 1-year-old baby knows about their new life. They know-nothing, so guess what my grief is that of a 1-year-old toddler.
I’ve heard some people say it took them many years to even start to live again. Everyone is different therefore we can not base our individual grieving process off of another person. Although there are many books on grief it’s truly a singular walk and in order to get through you must go through.
People have no idea what its like on a day to day, however, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking, feeling and trusting GOD with it all.
I will “Just Be”
Originally written for Hopeforwidows.com