Updated: Oct 11, 2018
I stayed with my sister and brother Stace & Beng house last night I have a hard time sleeping at home alone especially these past months. Devan came in a dream to Sandi back in October 2017 and one of the things he told her to tell me was that he was sorry I have to go through the winter months alone because he knew how much I hated winter and sleeping without him. I slept so sound last night like a baby I am at home and I feel peaceful at this very moment.
I’ve come to realize that I can absolutely feel myself changing and I like the change that I am seeing and feeling in myself. My belief is that you cannot become who you were not, which means this woman was always inside. The trauma that I have endured over the past year and during all that Devan and I went through in 2014 has made me who I am right now. I am seriously evolving, I move different, I talk different, I think different, I feel different, my faith is different much stronger.
I realize that the stages of grief come in waves and at different times. Am I beginning to move into some sort of acceptance? Is that where I am at this moment? I don’t know what stage of grief I am operating in at the moment because like I said it switches at any given second
However, what I do know for sure is that there are no rules, formulas nor special potion to “cure” grief. My only true peace comes from my Father God. I can certainly count on him to continue to guide me through each step. I’m sure someone may say “so that’s all I have to do is just relay on God huh’? My answer is “Yes” now does that mean that you will not have moments/days of being hurt, angry, sad, confused because you don’t understand “why you” of course not.
What it means is that God simply wants us to give every single care to him. He knows that it will be hard at times, heck maybe most times; However, as the scripture says ‘I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me” Phil 4:13 So for me I have chosen to stand on Gods promise. I take one step at a time and when I begin to think beyond the very moment that I am in, I once again go back to Gods promises.
I have also chosen to fulfill my life calling/purpose because I know that it is attached to others. So if I give up I am letting others down. I have often compared all of this to working out. What I mean by that is this: Let’s look at the whole workout/training aspect.
I began working out consistently 2 weeks after my husband transitioned 18 months ago. When I first started I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do it, let alone stick with it. It has become a part of my routine of life, it is part of my day to day. I have become stronger as the days have turned into months. There are days when I wake up and I just don’t feel like going, however; I go I am making a choice to get up and get going. I’ve had some days at the gym that I go and I can’t even workout all I can is cry and my trainer is there for me. She just lets me kick, scream and holler.
But guess what, I decided to get up and put one foot in front of the other one. And just like when you are working out the weights become heavy and you feel like you can’t do one more rep/set. and when that happens my trainer will say “if you need to take a break take one but only for a moment” sometimes she will assist me with the weight but every so lightly, sometimes she will modify it for me but again only for a moment. I realize that I have to continue to train if I expect to get the results I am looking for.
That’s the way this journey has been I must keep going if I want to see results. It’s okay to ask for assistance because sometimes we expect people to know we need help without asking. I also understand that sometimes we don’t want to ask because we feel that people should just offer it. This thing called “grief’ has no rules it requires a lot of “ just winging it” therefore, I will do it how I see fit and I suggest everyone else do the same.
Don’t suffer in silence allow yourself to release and feel whatever you need to feel. If you had to vomit would you swallow it or allow it to come out? Well, allow it to come out and that doesn’t’ mean it will always be pretty. Nonetheless, it must come out because if not it can become toxic.
Originally written for Hopeforwidows.com