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Processing and Clarity

Updated: Oct 11, 2018

This blog post may seem a bit all over the place, however; bare with me. I have a lot of thoughts in my mind at this moment.

As I sit in my condo looking out the window on this Christmas Eve morning while listening to my praise and worship. I am so overjoyed with GODS love for me.

I am operating in a very peaceful space at this very moment. Our 3 oldest granddaughters are coming over today for a few hours. I am excited about that, I miss spending time with them, with all of our grandchildren.

Devan and I would see them a lot but since his passing, I haven’t been able to have them over like we used to. I know that may sound crazy to some people, however; for me, it’s too painful. Our grandchildren only know ‘Nana & PawPaw” together as one. So when I see them that magnifies the ache I already have from not having my Devan in this world with me. Our grandchildren were cheated they miss their Paw Paw so much! I wish they didn’t have to feel this pain at such a young age.

I thank GOD that our children are grown (ages at the time of their daddy’s passing 29,25,23,21) its been 1 year and it feels like it was yesterday. When I look at our sons I see the void in their lives without their daddy. I wish I could fix it, parents are supposed to be able to fix things and I can’t. So I pray and trust GODS perfect plan for our lives.

Devan and I had a friend that lost her husband about 4 years ago. They were married for many years (they were also young early 40’s) and when her husband passed away and that truly touched Devan. I remember seeing her a few months before my husband passed away. We talked briefly and she went on her way. I felt for her, I couldn’t even imagine that being me.

Well, here I stand walking in the shoes of a widow, no warning, no signs nothing. My Devan left this place suddenly and unexpectedly according to me.

Yes, I am a widow learning how to live in this world without My Devan. I will continue to do that because of the call on my life from GOD. My husband fulfilled is created purpose and although he isn’t here physically he is still touching people in his passing. My Devan will never truly die, his spirit is too strong. We were truly soulmates… meaning our souls were mates. So when you see me you see him, I am him and he is me!

So as I approach this new year without My Devan, I am doing so fully trusting each moment because each moment is one that I’ve never seen before. I am walking in thankfulness & gratitude for everything that is before me. Some days are much harder than others, however; I have chosen to continue on my path because if I wasn’t supposed to be in this place and space I wouldn’t.

I have a very awesome year and life in front of me, I am walking moment by moment

Happy New Year

Originally written for

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