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Still Pushing

Updated: Oct 11, 2018

I think a part of me thought I would not be in as much pain as I have been in since the very beginning of 2018. Honestly, this has been a very painful 6 months. Some days I don’t even know how I continue on and what I mean by that is this.

If it were solely up to me I would quit. So I know that my Father God is carrying me through all of this. I know that each breath and step I take is not by my design.

In this very moment, I feel like I am in a fog. I wish I could call my Devan, I wish he was on his way home right now. I often ask “God how am I suppose to continue this journey without him? Why do I have to continue without him? Why would you allow my partner to not be with me”? You promised me that my husband and I would grow old together.

I heard God say to me “I did promise you that. However, I didn’t say that it would be Devan did I”?As I look back over my life I can now see how God was preparing me for this very moment. I can see how he allowed my husband to prepare me as well. Devan not only touched the world and our family. He truly touched me in ways I can’t even explain. I understand that Devan was done with what he was purposed to do.


It’s like a senior graduating and going on to college leaving his girlfriend behind to complete her courses. The senior can’t stay in high school just because his girlfriend is still there because if he did he would just be there with no purpose. He could also distract her from what she has to do because she would be engulfed in him.

He has to go to the next level of elevation and once his girlfriend completes all of her tests, courses, study and everything that comes with where she is she to will elevate. Devan was that senior and he completed his course, test, study and everything that he needed in order to graduate. I understand that after graduating you must go to the next phase of life.

God allowed my Devan to fully walk with me and because he always walked with me it’s very hard in my reality of walking without him. I know that God put us together so I also often have the question as to why would you break up the set? God already knows how much pain this would cause me and my children. He allowed me to be loved by a man to the ends of the earth and I miss him dearly.

I was told that I will have happiness again, although it will not be what Devan and I had it will be so good. Devan was sent by God so I do know that whomever God has next will also be sent straight from God in Heaven for sure.

I have shed more tears this year alone than the previous year. The pain is much different it’s almost unbearable at times. It can be gut-wrenching and depilating to some extent. I look around and I watch people going on about their lives. Yet, here I am stuck with a pill that will not fully go all the way down. It doesn’t matter how much water I drink it’s just sitting there.

In this very moment, I have decided to just surrender, fully and completely let go of the wheel. I have never been in the bed as much as I have this year alone, I feel like I am not doing enough. But then I look back over this past year and realize that I have done more than a lot. God has told me and shown me some of what he has for me and it’s so amazing.

Sometimes I wish that God would show me the complete picture right now as to eliminate some of the labor pains of it all.  Nonetheless, I know what Jeremiah 29;11 says “forI know the thoughts that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. So I will stand on Gods promise no matter what!

~Kimberly Nicole Johnson

Originally written for

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