Updated: Oct 11, 2018
Driving around in my car with the roof open listening to Beyonce new cd in June the second day of summer. However, someone is missing and that someone is my Devan. He should be here riding with me or I should say I would be riding while he would be driving. We did everything together and I know for sure that we would’ve been riding on his motorcycle for sure.
That was one of the many things we enjoyed doing on a regular
I remember when he first got his motorcycle I wasn’t thrilled initially but I trusted his judgment.
It really wasn’t anything that my husband couldn’t do, to be honest. So it was of no surprise when he taught himself how to ride his motorcycle.
The first year he would ask me to ride with him and I always said no. He asked me the second year again I said no sir, however by the third year he asked me on a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I surprisingly said yes.
He was excited as was I and that day started my love for bikes because it was our thing. So we would ride and ride all over.
People would tell us we saw you guys on the bike here and there. We were known for zooming around the city. We even talked about Devan giving me his bike and he wanted to get another one.
That never happened though because my husband’s last ride on his bike was 5 years later September 24, 2016, his bike malfunctioned and my husband transitioned doing something that he loved. He wasn’t going fast, or doing anything wrong. His bike just simply didn’t do what it was supposed to when it was supposed to do it.
I often think about if my husband would’ve given me that bike and I would’ve been the one on the bike and how he would not have been able to except that.
I have been asked if I will ever ride a motorcycle again and at this moment I am saying no. I am not saying no because I am afraid of bikes. I am saying no because that was “our” thing. And I can’t see myself sitting on another bike wrapping my arms around someone else as we ride because that belonged to us. I am not angry at the bike because I know that my Devan simply completed his earthy assignment so I believe the bike had nothing to do with him being done.
This is my second summer without him and yes I still have many moments of being angry and I know that I am entitled to feel those emotions. Sometimes I feel like we were robbed at gunpoint and its nothing can do about it.
I had another emotional breakdown today because of that feeling called grief and the rain certainly didn’t help with the sad emotions. I simply miss my husband so very much and the ache that comes with that can be debilitating. I call on The Holy Spirit to comfort me. I also know that God is God and he needs no help being who he is the only thing I need to do is keep trusting his will even when I don’t understand it.
I often find myself doing things alone that my Devan and I would’ve done which gives me a sense of peace. I feel like I am honoring him in those moments.
I have to create new memories for the summer and it sucks that they will not include my Devan being apart of them physically. Everything about my life is new and different nothing is like it was before some days I understand that and other days it feels like a nightmare that I have yet to wake up from.
My Devan would expect me to keep living, trusting God, loving and enjoying everything that God has for me.
I will never let my Devan completely die. He will forever be apart of me because we were connected in every way.
I am choosing to trust God with each step I take moment by moment.
~Kimberly Nicole Johnson
Originally written for Hopeforwidows.com