Updated: Oct 11, 2018
I just celebrated on July 25, what would’ve been 20 years married to My Devan. I woke up feeling numb yet very peaceful. Each and every morning as soon as I open my eyes I talk to God. And I pray for my strength, peace, comfort while being thankful and grateful. I start each day by spending intimate time with my Father God.
I can say over and over how much I wish I could rewind the time and have my old life back. Which means I would have my Devan with me, however, that will never happen. So I have to walk through this thing called “life” trusting Gods will for it all. I am approaching two full years in September. So I would like to know why it feels like it just happened yesterday. I would like to know why it feels like the pain will never go away. No one can answer that question that will be enough for me however the Bible says this:
“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” James 4:14
My Devan leaving so suddenly and unexpectedly has changed me I am not the same woman I was before he left this place. Although I believe you can’t be who you were not already. Which means this woman was inside all along she was just comfortable yet unfulfilled. I often talk about being pushed, thrust, forced into this new life which is how I feel at times. But the more I dig into what God says about life I have come to realize and understand that he prepares us for whats next even if we don’t realize we are being prepared. That doesn’t change the way I feel about the way my husband left this world. I still feel like I was blindsided, my children, grandchildren were hit in the gut hard and I believe it will forever be a process.
There are no rules to the process, no step by step guide, no right nor wrong way to go through the process. So for me and my family, we have chosen to keep walking with our hand inside of Gods hand.
Cycle of life
Our oldest son is having a baby boy yes another one. When he told me I cried just like I did when I heard about baby Devan. Of course, it isn’t about the baby. It’s about the fact that another grandbaby is going to miss out on “paw paw”. I know they will know My Devan in a different way. I also cried because it reminded that life really does go on no matter what. Our family is growing and it feels unfair that they have been cheated out of the love of their pawpaw.
Again all of this is a process and I do believe over time it will start to get more bearable. In the meantime, I will stay focused on what has been birthed out of me from the pain and keep sharing with the world. I will use my platform to continue to motive and inspire others showing them that life can go on even through the pain. I know that my story is for someone else.
“Moment By Moment”
‘Kimberly Nicole Johnson
*Originally written for Hopeforwidows.com