Updated: Nov 14, 2019
Saturday, October 12th, 2019 around 10 pm is when it happened, let me back up and explain. Earlier that day I was extremely busy because I had a speaking engagement and I also had clients that evening which made for a very long day. As I was heading home at the end of the day my friend invited me to hang out. I contemplated going but needless, to say I decided to hang out for the evening with him at "Blink OTR" which is a very big event in the city of Cincinnati, Ohio. I went home showered and changed clothes then we headed out. As we walked around enjoying the festivities, laughing and having a good time, we came across one of those double shot basketball games. We started playing and of course, I was winning (lol) *insert wink! then something happened. I want you to picture what I am about to say happening in slow motion.
When I shot the ball this time, and the ball was leaving my hand I felt Devans ring sliding off of my finger. Not my wedding ring but Devans. I had Devans ring sized down to fit me one week after we had his service. And I have worn it on my right middle finger for 3 years. As I let go of the ball I felt it come completely off and I watched it as it floated in the air suddenly taking a nose down to the ground. I then told my friend that Devans ring just came off; thank God I saw and heard it land. I reached down and picked it up and before I stood up completely, I knew at that moment that it was time to take them off. It was like I heard Devan saying I"t’s, okay baby you can take them off now". That has never happened since I started wearing it and I knew that it wasn’t a coincidence.
I told my friend and we had a conversation about it, with him reminding that it’s up to me, which I fully understood that. I had been playing around with taking them off for months prior. I would take my ring off around the house but I would put it back on before I left. Then I graduated to taking my ring off and leaving it at home. I even got up to over a week but then I would put it back on because when I would walk into meetings I didn’t want people to look at my finger and wonder where my ring was. Not to mention I didn’t want anyone thinking that my Devan didn’t give me a big beautiful ring. And for the people that didn’t know my story, I didn’t want them to think I wasn’t spoken for. I know that may sound a little off for some but nonetheless, that’s how I felt. But the biggest reason of all was because I have worn my ring for over 20 years and I have worn Devans wedding ring for 3 years. I have never taken it off except to have it cleaned and serviced so you can imagine how both of my rings were attached to me.
THE POWERFUL REVELATION
When I returned home that night I thought about what happened hours earlier but I still didn’t remove my rings. Although I knew that it was time I continued to wear them. But Monday morning I woke up with a different feeling, I woke up feeling ready to take both of them off. Now keep in mind I played with the idea of taking my ring off before, but I would place it inside my bathroom cabinet. Which meant I was still able to see it and in many cases slip it right back on before leaving my house. However, as I said this time was different when I woke up. And as I spent time with God as I do every morning I felt pure peace. I knew that I knew, that it was time to not only remove them both but to place them back in the ring box and put them away in a safe place out of sight.
As I got this clear revelation I was at peace, it didn’t feel forced as though it was something I “had” to do because society says so. This felt right because I knew that God was apart of this, I knew that Devan approved. So I took them off and put them away and what I now realize is that this all took place just a few days before (2016) I initially started wearing his ring after he transitioned 3 years ago, a complete full circle ……. POWERFUL revelation!
ANOTHER DOOR WILL ALWAYS OPEN
I have written about “the ring” before because I was asked by someone just weeks after Devan transitioned how long I was going to wear my ring? Yes, someone asked me that question just a week or so afterward. Then about 8 months later someone said, “I see you still have your ring on” I paused so that I could regulate my response and I simply said, “yes, I do”. But if I’m being honest the thought that I had to regulate was “ and I see you’re still wearing yours, didn’t you say you’ve been divorced for quite some time”?
This journey is full of ups, downs, twists and very curvy turns and frankly, no one can fully tell anyone how to do it. It is a very personal and individualized walk.
I no longer feel incomplete without wearing them and guess what, at the same time if I want to put them back on again from time to time that doesn’t mean that I am not moving forward. It simply means that I am doing this the way I want to and that’s all that matters.
2019 has been a year of so many doors being closed that were attached to my life before my Devan transitioned. A year of isolation and closure to my old life. The doors had to be closed so that I can walk through new ones. I closed the doors on the shop that Devan and I had together since 2003. That was so hard for me and I didn’t want to let it go at first. I felt like I was letting Devan and my children down. I felt like I gave up then God reminded me that He allowed me to continue in that space for 2 years and 9 months without Devan. He also showed me that I needed to let it go because He has something even bigger in store. I had to let certain people go, again I asked why and once again God revealed to me that I have to know that He is God. He is the one I can trust and because my purpose is attached to my faith I need to fully walk by faith and not what I see.
So this year I went through months wondering where certain people were. I wondered why it felt like certain people had turned away. Didn’t they know that I needed them? Didn’t they see that I didn’t want to do it by myself? Didn’t they remember that my Devan was no longer here but I am? I asked God for answers I asked Him to show me what I wasn’t seeing because of my emotions being in the way. I asked Him to show me what I was supposed to see and to make it crystal clear. And this is what He revealed: Daughter, I have placed you in isolation because I am doing a perfect work in you. I am doing a perfect work with you and I want and need you to know that it is all Me. God knows what we need, who we need and when we need them.
I had to let go yet again trusting my Father God. Trusting Him fully and completely with everything that concerns me. Then God whispered in my ear as I slept “it’s already done” (true story)